Trying to get Rid of a Toxic Friend. . .

Dear Fat:

We have known each other a really long time.  Almost 45 years. To say that you have stuck with me through thick and thin is really not an exaggeration.  But, I am over it.  For realsies this time.

Over the years we have had some short breakups where I was able to get rid of you for a while - but I always allowed you to find your way back without me really knowing.  Remember when I preferred Nutrisystem to you a few times?  What about Diet Center? That was a really long time ago - probably in high school. How about my all time favorite phen-fen? You were really gone in a flash when I met my friends phen & fen and it was never so easy to lose you and I never thought about you once! But unfortunately when the FDA got involved and took my friends phen & fen away, you came running back to me  .I was never truly happy with Atkins and I know you were laughing in the sidelines while I tried my hardest to stay away from those big bad carbs - but after 48 hours you and I found our way back to each other again. When I met herbalife I thought I was in love, but the headaches and stomach aches and missing of chewing food got the best of me after a while,  and you came running back, as you always do. The thing that was able to put a wedge in between us the most and for the longest time was Weight Watchers.  Weight Watchers was pretty good at keeping you away and helping me to finally be on my way to getting rid of you and hopefully saying goodbye forever. . .but then, I got derailed and instead of staying on track and looking to Weight Watchers for help, you found a crack and slithered your way back in.

I know you well enough by now. You think by growing on me you are making me feel warm & mushy.  I see what you do - you try your hardest to stay and push my healthy Weight Watchers friend away so you can have me to yourself.

Well, I am finally on to you and your game.  I felt so much better 18 months ago after losing close to 40 pounds and lots of inches with my friends Weight Watchers and Exercise. I am not sure how in the world you managed to creep back on me - but you did.  The difference this time is that I remember how I felt when I lost all that weight - lighter, more energetic, craving healthy food and exercise and wanting to shop!  I am really not digging how you are making me feel right now - draggy, lazy, unmotivated and pretty crappy after I eat your favorite foods and don't even think about taking me to a store right now, unless it is to shop for someone else!

So, yes - you might have been noticing a difference this week my old friend Fat.  I haven't been eating as many of the foods as you are trying to send my way - instead I am engaging in some good old mental gymnastics and eating healthier and allowing my true friend, Weight Watchers, to help me.  Yes, I put my big girl panties on and with my head hung low and a bit embarrassed I asked if Weight Watchers would be my friend again (granted with check in hand they really don't ever say no, no matter how many times you kick them to the curb).

I'm not sure why I find it so hard to lose you and make you stay away.  . .its not you personally, but its how you make me feel when you insist on sticking to me and growing.  Yes, for those 5 seconds I soooooooooo love some of that naughty food you waive under my nose or in front of my face so often and sometimes saying no to a warm chocolate cookie seems unfathomable.  But the problem with you around is that there are usually more cookies to come after that one and I have simply had enough.

Interestingly enough the last time I joined Weight Watchers in fall of  2011,  I was 178.8 pounds (gross - I know) and at my lowest on WW the following summer I hovered around 140. . .well, last Saturday when I went crawling back to WW I was the same weight.  The sad thing is that I worked so hard to lose you Fat and somehow you so easily found your way back.

I am not even going to say if you really loved me, you would stay away because I know that you are not able to on your own - I have to be the strong one.  And I know people say you shouldn't break up over the phone or break up in a letter, but I don't know how else to make you understand that this is not a healthy friendship. 

I know that nothing tastes as good as feeling and looking good and because I can still feel how good I felt when I lost my weight I am breaking up with you.  I know it won't be overnight and you won't disappear tomorrow, but little by little and one day at a time you need to accept that this is really a good bye.  .and remember, its not you, it is how I feel when you are with me. 

So as I begin to lose you, little by little, Fat, please do not find your way back to me.  If you feel the need to be somewhere - go find a skinny minny person to hang on. . ..

And to my friends that I eat with or see often - if you see Fat trying to taunt me and trick his way back into my life, please feel free to send him away in whatever method you deem appropriate. . ..

Sometimes a picture is all it takes. ..

People can argue with me til they are blue in the face, but I truly think there are "skinny minded" and "fat minded" people. . .basically, what I mean is that I think for some people the "food stuff" and "exercise stuff" just comes easier and more naturally than others.  I think they are born that way.  And maybe being born with a great metabolism doesn't hurt either. 

Then there are the "fat minded" people, which are not necessarily people who are fat, but people who struggle every day with food and exercise and they have to work really hard at winning the war on food and exercise.

Throughout my journey I have met a number of "fat minded" people who have found their way and are winning the war on food and exercise.  But by their FB and blog posts, I know it hasn't come easy to them and they have lots of blood sweat and tears to know only get where they are, but to stay where they are can almost be harder.  I find these people amazingly inspiring to me each and every day and I will tag those of you that I can via FB.

I am a "fat-minded" person.  Except for the brief period of time in my life when I was on the best drug on the planet phen-fen, I do mental gymnastics with food every day.  Whether I am being on and perfect with Weight Watchers or eating yours, mine and the neighbor's share of points - I ponder about each and every morsel of food that I eat.  Sometimes I don't think and eat and ponder about my bad choice after and sometimes I plan and think and have a fabulous healthy day of eating.  Regardless, lots and lots of time is spent thinking about food.  Either being in control of my choices and thinking about it before, or feeling guilty about it and thinking about it after.

Overall, I am a bazillion times healthier now than I was a year ago.  Even my naughtiest eating moments are far better than what I ate on a regular basis a year ago - let alone what I ate when I was naughty back then.  And I have won many food and exercise battles over the last year, but like my other inspiring friends I have not won the war quite yet.  Currently I am in the middle of a tough battle and the food seems to keep winning more than I would like it too.  I am on and then I am off.  On Friday night I even talked myself into believing that eating McDonald's at 9pm at night for dinner was a good choice because it doesn't agree with me and would go right through me - like my own special cleanse (I am firmly convinced it is the reason for my one pound weight loss at WW).  I had a mostly decent food eating weekend. ..except for the not so good moments.. .but overall, for a person being on maintenance it probably balanced out - but that is not me as  I am a long long way from maintenance.

Last night we went to dinner to Benihana's with cousins to celebrate my upcoming birthday and our cousin's birthday in December.  It was a most delicious dinner and worth every point that was consumed (how can I not have their most delicious fried rice made with tons of garlic butter???) and a great evening spent with relatives.  I was looking forward to having a picture taken to capture the evening!

When I saw the picture I gasped. . .my fat that I have been so successful at losing apparently missed me so much that some of it decided to plant itself right on my face.  The first place it goes whenever it comes to visit.  Ughhh. . .

I immediately pulled up a picture I know I took just a few months ago with a much smaller face.  I kept saying "omg, omg, omg, how did I let this happen"?

My ever fabulous daughter said, "uh yeah, you need to get back to being better with your points, but look at this. . .".  She was quiet and studying my phone for a while and then handed me my phone again and said " But at least you aren't like this picture again, so you are still a lot smaller today, just not as small as the one you just showed me with that really bad haircut."  

I love the honesty of a 10 year old daughter. . .honest enough to acknowledge my face is pudgier today then a few months ago, but kind and loving enough to remember and point out to me I am not as large as when I first started my weight loss journey a year ago.

Its amazing that this morning how I woke up empowered by the words of a 10 year old and the picture collage she made for me. . .

And just in case you were wondering, yesterday it might have been kicking my tush, but  today I am absolutely winning the battle with food. . .

I will win this war. ..its just a little harder (or a lot harder) and taking a little longer (okay, a lot longer) than I first thought.  ..

I am Cheating on My Diet and It Needs to Stop. ..

Ok, I'll admit it. Halloween did me in.  I had every intention of sticking with my healthy eating and exercise program, but it all went to sh#t over Halloween. More than likely, I probably consumed upwards of 3,000 calories. DAILY. But who really knows. . .I lost track.  From October 31st thru TODAY.  But instead of turning ten bad days into a month-long diet detour, I am once again picking myself up & getting back on the diet bandwagon. Or the healthy eating and exercise train.

I know.  Its never too late and thank god tomorrow is a new day and specifically WEIGHT WATCHERS WEIGH IN DAY.   I have every intention of being fabulously appalled when I step on the scale - its just what I need. 

I have used Allie's theater schedule as an excuse as well, for far too long actually, to my crappy eating.  If theater is going to be her world for now, with soccer, guitar, Hebrew school and homework thrown in then I have to just go against my grain and start planning better for better food choices.

A dinner of popchips and diet coke at the theater is not cutting it because then I am ravenous when I get home and am eating everything quick, easy and junky.  

Next week I know going in that I am leaving the house at 5 something and not returning until 9 or 10 something EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT because its Tech Week for Seussical Jr.. . .so yes, I will pack a little lunch box of healthy food choices - or know what food choices are at Scottsdale Fashion and figure out the points before my day starts. . . I really have no other options.

I need to start my week off right with a good workout. Hit the gym. I need to get back to my Couch to 5K program. . .Rich is returning back home and Allie will no longer be sleeping in my bed and my cold is virtually gone. . .NO EXCUSES.  Working out has to be a priority and getting my body moving because I have to get rid of those extra calories I have consumed.   I need to make sure I am back to drinking lots of water - 32 ounces of ice tea a day is probably not a valid substitute.  I need to get back to journaling/tracking/blogging - write down what I eat, how much I exercise and how I am feeling. The things that worked for me when I started this last November.

Most of all, I realized my success in the beginning was because certainly helped by the fact that I started with a friend and life got in the way and we no longer go to WW meetings together.  On a daily basis for months, we talked about points and food choices.  It was in the forefront of everything I did.  I totally need to recruit a partner, or partners, in crime to help me get back on track and make it through the holiday season without packing on the pounds. 

It is my 44th birthday on November 21st, what better gift to give myself this year than the gift of being able to get back on track to doing what I need to do to wear that friggen TANK TOP ONCE AND FOR ALL?

Wanna be my partner in crime at Weight Watchers? 

Zumba. . .its like my chocolate of all the flavors of exercises!

What is it about Zumba that I love so much?  I actually have no rhythm and I pee in my pants when the instructors tell us to make sure our salsa moves are sexy. But its the best hour of exercise to me in that I rarely look at the clock and time flies by and I just LOVE it.  I love the music and I am always a little sad when the class is over and that is NEVER me when it comes to the end of my exercise time with any other form of exercise.

Not to  mention its a pretty good workout - I burned 413 calories today and in the world of Weight Watchers, that is 5 activity points I earned.  Or in translation, I can eat 5 more points of food if I so chose without going over my daily points.

I used to do Zumba in the spring a few times a week - it was typically my only exercise.  But due to scheduling, I rarely go to Zumba now - maybe only a few times a month.  While Zumba is my fave exercise, its at my least fave time of day - 4:30 and 5:30 pm.  Between homework, Hebrew school, chorus rehearsal, theater rehearsal and did I mention homework, its just a really yucky time for me.  Its sooooooooooooo easy to blow off because of all the other things that hit around that time of day. I found that I was not going far more then I was going to the gym and starting to feel sluggish.

I have discovered that working out early in the morning works best for me - from a scheduling aspect as well as setting a good eating tone to the day.  Somehow if I got my tush out of bed early to work out, its less tempting to eat crappy.

I tried Step class in the morning - I really don't dig it.  The dance moves are way to complicated for me and one week I managed to slip off the step and fall flat on my tush/back with my legs up to the ceiling.  Fortunately it was much more humorous than permanently painful. 

I tried Spin, but at my gym at the hours I need, they turn the lights off and play slower music and the time creeps by for me.  Its some kinda Zen Spin or something - I need fast loud music and a peppy instructor. 

 I tried the stair master, but man its different than the last time I belong to a gym, like in the 80s.  This Stair Master was scary!  It was like revolving steps and I couldn't figure out how to start them or stop them, so I skipped that machine!

The treadmill is just plain boring to me.  Its like vanilla, not  even french vanilla.  Just vanilla.

So on the days that I can't go to Zumba, I hit the gym around 6am and I do the elliptical and bike and weights.   Sometimes circuit weights and sometimes kettlebells.   I don't love them as much as Zumba - but I like them and I do them and my workout is done. And I will admit, there is something mentally stimulating/challenging about pumping iron - however light my iron my be. 

So, like any well rounded person - one cannot live on chocolate alone and I have learned to expand my exercise tastes.  But after being fortunate enough this weekend to go to two Zumba classes, I realize nothing tastes better than chocolate !!

If you workout, what is your chocolate?

Its All About the Tanktop!!

Someone on Facebook sent me a very nice message yesterday, just patting me on the back for not giving up and recommitting myself to this whole exercise/eating healthy thing.

I can't tell you how much any type of enouragement means to me. ..its like my drug that keeps me going.

Next she said to me is that regardless of weightloss, I must just feel so much better than I did before.

Guess what?  I didn't feel so bad before.  Really.  

I wasn't anymore tired or perky than I am now (ok, maybe a little more tired now because I still go to bed ridiculously late and get up super early to workout) and while admittedly staying away from greasy and fried foods has been the biggest gift to my digestive system, its not like I feel this miraculous health improvement than before.

Maybe had I felt crappy, I would have been more motivated to lose weight earlier, and to stick with it.  My doctors have always commented that I was one of the healthiest overweight people they saw.

So, what keeps me going if not the huge inside health effects that I don't necessarily feel?  Now, don't read this wrong and get all fiesty and think that I am saying healthy eating and exercising is not any more or less healthy than eating the voluminous amounts of junk food I was previously eating.  I am NOT saying that.  I clearly know that eating right and exercising is such a better choice -I am merely saying that I wasn't feeling so awful before that I feel so amazing now.  I kinda feel the same.  But I AM LOOKING DIFFERENT.

And that my friends is what keeps me going.  The smaller bra size.  The smaller pants size.  The loss of a few of my chins.  That is what allowed me to get my tush out of bed this morning and workout out at 6:15am.  That and the fact that I am not in my tanktop. . .yet.

Continuing on My Journey. . .Rather then Starting Over

I knew something was different when I signed up for Weight Watchers the billionth time last November.  Just wasn't sure what it was that was different.  But as I started on the WW program and was 100% perfect until April, I just knew it looked and smelled and felt different this time.

It was just as hard as previous times, but perhaps I wanted it more and so it was easier to stick with. ..

Perhaps by putting out in the Cyberspace land via blogging and Facebook it would have been too humiliating to quit. . .

Or maybe I liked the compliments I was getting from people.

Or perhaps I liked the feeling of "clean eating" as I ditched soda (other than occasionally drinking it if going out for dinner) and got away from the frozen WW or Lean Cuisine meals in exchange for fresher and less processed foods.

Or maybe I liked getting all the little stickers and claps at the WW meetings every time I would lose.

Or maybe it was going from a 44 DD bra to a 38/40 C/D (depending on where I got it) and going from a size 18/20 pants to a 12/14.

Or maybe it was just all of those things together that kept me going 100% PERFECTLY from November to April. 

Then BOOM. . .I was no longer perfect.  I was lucky enough to get to be a chaperon on my daughter's 4th grade field trip to the Grand Canyon and while I didn't consume all the junk food that was surrounding me, I didn't track and didn't eat 100% perfectly.  And for me, that started a slippery slope of watching what I was eating, but not tracking and therefore, really having no clue how much I was or was not eating. Fortunately I was still working out 3-4 times a week.

I didn't skip WW meetings, I still went and I would gain 2 and lose 1, gain 1.5 and lose .25 and soon my all time low of 152.2 started creeping up and up and by the end of May it was 157.  I got my tush into gear and by June it was back down to 154 and then summer camp for my daughter began.  And then we hosted teenagers from Israel for 2 weeks.  And then my daughter became immersed in the world of musical theater as she went to dance workshops, an audition and then rehearsals for a local theater company's production of High School Musical.  And then. . .And then. . .And then. . .And then after 2 months of not tracking and having ice cream or frozen yogurt almost every day of the summer I went back to WW and had a very disturbing weigh in at 164!!! OMG. . .WTF. . .

My few pound weight gain in April/May that I started reversing was now a major weight gain and instead of having lost 25.6, as of July 14th I was at 164, having lost 13.8. . having gained 11.8 pounds between April and July 14th.

Well, I can happily say that as of 2 weeks ago I am back on track, weighing 162.4 for a 1oss of 15.4 pounds from when I started in November (yet, almost a little more than 10 pounds more then my lowest of 152.2 in April). 

Did I quit and start again?  Gosh, that sounds so harsh. ..I don't think I quit because I really thought I was eating relatively ok.  I wasn't eating the junk food.  I wasn't eating fast food.  I wasn't having fried food.  What I wasn't doing was working out - I stopped making my way to the gym or the living room for a workout video in June.  I also wasn't tracking and I wasn't drinking my water and I was eating too much and certainly enjoying way too much frozen yogurt and ice cream.  I wasn't mindful of my eating at all.

I am embarrassed to tell you that sometimes I went with Allie & her friends for gelato after camp and then after dinner when my husband suggest frozen yogurt, I didn't say no.

But I have gotten back on track and so instead of saying I quit, I'd like to say I took a detour.  Because to stay I am starting over again meant I quit and I really don't think I quit.   And truthfully, I am really sick of stopping and starting diets over and over again.  I was just lost for a bit.

I now know if I bite it, I need to write it. . .just because I think I am doing "okay" food wise, doesn't mean I am when I really have no clue what I have eaten and am not tracking.  I also need to know that life doesn't always have the same schedule and will change and often get crazy and to be able to stay on track during those times is when I know I have truly conquered my food battles.

But no, I didn't quit and restart. ..the ups and downs are just part of my weight loss journey and my last detour hopefully made me a little more aware and a little smarter for the next time life wreaks havoc on my schedule and routine.  And I am finding with a child who likes to play the guitar, participate in musical theater and play soccer, balancing all that with the homework of a 5th grader is never going to be easy and calm and routine like. . .

But for now, I have had a really good two weeks - eating within points, tracking and working out 11 out of the last 12 days for a minimum of 30 minutes and have drank at least 64 ounces of water for the past week. . .this is a good part of the journey.

The Power of Friends

Not long ago, I seemed  energetic and determined to start my "last diet".  I began WW with enthusiasm and hope.  I watched my  food intake diligently, began exercising in January and 100% avoided any and all "naughty" foods because they were my trigger foods.  And those were hard to say no to because they are all around me:   in my house, as a Mom of a 9 year old; in my Judaica class as students brought in snacks each week; and at various parties, restaurants, etc.  But I stayed away and said no. 

I was were confident that I was going to reach my goal once and for all without problem!!!  And best of all, I was joining WW with friends and there is power in numbers!

Well, somewhere along the last 6 weeks my motivation has been decreasing faster than the pounds are falling. The first 25 pounds (well, probably closer to 20 now) were relatively painless to lose.  Well, not painless, but my excitement and motivation were far stronger than the daily eating challenges.  And then I got really into working out - or so I thought, as I stopped it as quickly as I started it.  Allie's extra-curricular activities took on a schedule of their own and it became harder for me to figure out a time to go then just not go.

Then for various scheduling reasons my friends and I were no longer able to go to the same meeting times together and BOOM, I didn't track one day.  And then I ate something naughty.  And then I continued to eat and not track and not exercise.  And naughty food is my trigger and once I didn't track, didn't exercise and didn't make the best healthy choices I ate and ice cream sandwich and a frosting covered cookie and potato chips.

And then I freaked and said WTF?????

I realized I didn't want to go down this path and wanted to get back in the groove but needed help.  So, I immediately said to my friend Steffanie, I am willing to get up early on Saturday mornings and go to WW meetings together if you are - I really need you and am so much better together than on my own.  Fortunately she was feeling the same pain (although I don't think she binged like I did!) and totally agreeable to jump back on the proverbial diet "bandwagon".  And then my girlfriend  Erica was mutually happy to hear this and happy to go to Saturday meetings with us. . .

The one thing I have realized though is that while I have been lazy about tracking and not really knowing the amount of points I have consumed each day for the last few weeks, other than the other day, I have not gorged and binged and all my foods have mostly been healthy.

But it did start with one ice cream sandwich and it was downhill from there.

I know myself - I cannot still have that junk food and count it as my points and be okay with that.  It is my trigger food to enter a land of naughty eating.  So please don't tell me I can have just one and just count the points.  I obviously can't.

Maybe I was naive thinking this would happen without hiccups.  Maybe a better way to look at this is simply that this is life and I'm glad it was just a few weeks of being off track. I am also trying not to listen to the little bird tweeting in my ear "well, hello, if you have been not 100% the past few weeks and are STARTING FRESH tomorrow, eat everything you want today." 

Wherever today takes me food wise it will take me. . .but really excited about going to WW in the mornings and to the gym right after and getting back on track with the POWER OF FRIENDS right next to me!!